So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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