Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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