I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize