New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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