she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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