If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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