I hate your face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
