So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
