he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
