A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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