If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
