Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
operation have a gay friend backfired
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
