If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
