The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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