Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
