U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
