2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
