Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
