i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
