my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Blood and glitter go together right?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
