when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
