Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
