i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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