i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
