Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
a search helicopter?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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