I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
