it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
