He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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