i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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