Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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