If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
