just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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