What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
