I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
