Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
