Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
