Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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