why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
