Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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