i'm lost and i look like a hooker
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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