I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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