new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
