Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
