I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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