My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
