my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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