weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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