put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
