I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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