Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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