Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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