I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
