Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
