Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
